Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
