He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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