So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
