I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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