I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
