New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
