My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
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Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
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I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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