When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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