my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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