Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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