everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
