I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
