I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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