she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
