I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
