I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
