this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
