3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
