Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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