My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
