I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
