She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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