you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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