if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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