Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
