Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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