tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
