Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
