Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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