When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
