yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
