I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
a search helicopter?!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
