does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
