I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
