i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wish you could order shots online.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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