my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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