my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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