omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
please come you make the beer taste better
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just want nice things and good sex
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
