hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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