White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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