Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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