I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
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He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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