Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
