I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
