I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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