its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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