I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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