drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
