There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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