I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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