that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
