I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
