at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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