Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Drunk is a universal language darling
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
