John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
