You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
