And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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