No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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