Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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