I heard we made out
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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